3. Bathroom Offenders...

Home bathroom offenses are certainly many and varied, but here I limit my comments to PUBLIC bathroom offenses, which are usually much worse. If there's one space and one activity that you shouldn't have to share with strangers, and that strangers almost assuredly don't want to share with you - it's what's done in the bathroom... so without further ado...

1. The no flush.
There's really no excuse here - no one wants to finish up someone else's business for them, and I've gotta say, the thought of the last bare, hairy butt to have sat here before me is bad enough without the physical evidence of it...

2. The no wash.
This one never ceases to amaze me - I can't BELIEVE the number of people (and I can only speak for the male population here - hopefully women are better at this) who walk away from doing their business and just walk strait out the door, bacteria colonies reproducing like mad.

The thing is, that it's just as bad at work where, one assumes, the bathroom patrons have a pretty high level of average education and sophistication, as it is at, say, Wal-Mart where you'd expect the average IQ of the public bathroom-goer to be somewhat lower than average, and often somewhat lower than ten... (though I must say I avoid TRULY public bathrooms whenever possible)

I see no other remedy to this one than to start calling offenders out - wait 'til they leave the bathroom sans wash, then run out after them (this may necessitate some hasty zipping on your part) and announce the offense for all to hear (this is especially fun at work parties). Lastly, of course, remember to return and wash up yourself.

3. The moan & groan.
I think everyone knows what I'm talking about here. When engaged in what is commonly and ever-so-descriptively termed as "number 2," you're going to expect some of the less-flattering noises that nature has so thoughtfully included in her soundtrack - unpleasant to be sure, but NOT the subject of my compaint here - no, what I refer to are the gratuitous groans of relief after a strenuous push, the muttered exclamations of "holy cow" or usually something worse that would be edited here as this is a "family-friendly" blog (since, you know, families love to read about BM's 'n' stuff...), or the strains of exertion followed by ridiculously heavy breathing and wheezing---usually followed by more strains of exertion...

COME ON PEOPLE!! Those little aluminum walls aren't insluated for sound and even if they were, there's about a foot of space beneath and usually several more above for your private little squeaks to sneak out (and on a separate note, who on earth designed bathroom stalls that way?! I think a little more privacy is in order for the second most private activity you engage in) One is forced to conclude that those people are either deaf themselves and don't realize they're making noises, completely demented, or just REALLY need to get out their feelings. What are you looking for though - sympathy or something??

4. The blower.
OK, I understand the whole "green" thing and I'm all for saving the whales and planting a tree and listening to John Denver and all that, but few things make me angrier than those stupid air-blowing hand dryers in the place of paper towels - the things take whole MINUTES to dry your hands, all to save one or two little paper towels. If you add up all those minutes - thats a lot of time to plant trees! Now, if you want to have BOTH the blowers AND paper towels, that's just fine but don't force me to spend just as much time drying my hands as I did conducting the rest of my business...

Maybe the worst thing about the blow dryer is that it encourages the "no wash" (see #2 above), and it allows for no "clean exit!" Now some of you may be unfamiliar with the "clean exit" technique but with all the no-washers out there touching the door handles on the way out, it's really a must. The concept is simple - after washing your hands, you grab a paper towel, dry your hands, and then use the paper towel to open the door out of the bathroom. I make it a point with any public facility I use regularly to move the wastebin over by the exit so you can open the door and discard the towel. If a can hasn't been appropriated by the door, just throw it on the floor - eventually they'll get the point! With blow dryers, not only do more people become no-washers but if you want to get out of the bathroom on your own, you've either got to risk touching that handle that you know is creeping with fecal bacteria, get some toilet paper, or wait for someone else to open the door - wasting even MORE time!

My solution to this one is easy - after washing your hands, exit the bathroom and find the facilities guy or whoever's decision it was to install blowers instead of towel dispensers, dry your hands thoroughly on his shirt, then punch him in the neck.