2. Processed Cheese

Industry and technology have bestowed upon humankind countless wonders and conveniences. Blessed be the names of those responsible, for instance, for the pocket calculator! The concept of the cell phone boggles my mind to no end - that someone standing thousands of miles away, nearly anywhere on the planet, can punch a series of buttons on a small plastic device, causing my device - regardless of my location mind you - to ring so we can carry on a real-time conversation is amazing beyond words to describe. The time, study, collaboration, engineering and dedication that had to go into making the idea a reality is truly humbling, and a testament to human ingenuity.

Some products of industrial advancement, however, are rather less awe-inspiring and have detracted from the richness and romance of times gone past. A desk, say, manufactured from MDF, or Medium-Density Fiberboard is somewhat less impressive and commanding of respect than one painstakingly crafted from solid oak (though, granted, likely also much less costly). Likewise, a rack of baby-back ribs, nicely smoked and slathered with a good sauce approaches the divine, but the vaguely rib-shaped meatlet that the McFoodChain stuffs in a bun is somewhat less tempting.

My argument, just so you understand, is not against the ideals of thrift and/or efficiency - I think it's great that a student can go into a Wal-Mart and procure a sturdy desk for school for less than $100 and grab a McRib on the way out. My problem is that these products PRETEND (and do it so poorly) to be something they're so obviously not. Surely their purveyors don't think consumers THAT stupid (or maybe they do... and maybe some are...). More likely, their statement seems to be - "here's a little hint to tell you what this product SHOULD look like if it were the real thing..." It seems incredibly ridiculous to me that a manufacturer would take a picture of real wood, transfer it to a laminate, then glue it onto pressure board.

Of course, the most grievous offender of the bunch is what devious but ingenious marketers have appallingly named American cheese, to the shame of us all, but SHOULD be called something like: "foul, disgusting paste not fit for human consumption" (though I admit they probably wouldn't sell as much of it). Just thinking about the stuff makes me squirm and cringe - the floppy, plasticky, palidly glossy little squares in a shade of yellow unknown to nature, un-lovingly packaged as individual slices - no more made of cheese than I am. Maybe it would be better if they used a completely different color of dye - blue or purple or something else that would announce loud and clear "I AM NOT CHEESE!!"

Alas, I seem to be almost alone in my crusade against the vile glop so it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon. And hey, it does make pretty good fish bait...